I first realized I wanted children when we learned that our neighbors, who included a wonderful little boy and girl, were moving away. I felt an intense sense of loss and longing to have our own children, who would not be taken away.
It is now almost two decades later, and my oldest daughter is in high school, her siblings close on her heels. And guess what? even though they are still living at home, they have moved further and further away. They spend their time with friends, they don't seek me out to discuss anything, they definitely prefer to be left to their own devices. No matter what I say or how I say it, they think I am angry or upset and respond defensively. Dad is their preferred go-to parent and I am definitely an also-ran.
I don't know how to respond to this situation. I find myself doing and saying less all the time, and watching them adjust happily to my increasing reserve. I definitely feel invisible.
But the worst part is watching their heartaches. They are crashing into a world that doesn't know them and doesn't want to, and wouldn't care about them if it did. They are suffering, and it breaks my heart to sit helpless and watch.
I don't know how to make this transition smoothly, so I will just stumble on. Having no one to share all this with, I hold it out to God to see what happens. This morning I had a small epiphany:
God must feel the same way about us, His children. Here I sit suffering alone, with my back to Him, forgetting about him as I struggle through this wretched existence. And He's there next to me, invisible, aching to comfort me even if only by commiserating.
I'm sorry Lord for forgetting you, my Father. Please be with me now even if that's all that can be done right now.
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